Mass Effect: The Choices We Make
by R-I-C-A-R-D
Summary: A fanfic attempting to reveal the thoughts, feelings and motivations Shepard may have had regarding certain plot points during the campaign - I wanted to try to 'get inside' Shepard's head and explore why and how certain choices were made.
1. Benezia and The Queen

Author's Note: I wanted to write something that looked at the motivations Shepard may have had for making certain pivotal choices during the plotline of Mass Effect. For the purposes of these stories, I'm sort of revising my version of Shepard, making her a little more prone to doing the 'wrong thing.'

1. Benezia and the Queen

Benezia lay dead, slumped inelegantly on the floor. Blue blood pooling around her as it flowed from the multiple wounds inflicted by mass-accelerated rounds. Behind me stood the Matriarch's daughter, Liara T'soni. The oppressive silence that had descended over the labs following our encounter with Benezia and her commandos was broken only by the quiet sobs of her child. The child I'd orphaned. Right then, I hated myself for bringing Liara to the frigid world of Noveria at all. At the time, the decision to include her in the ground team had made good tactical sense - I'd hoped that Liara would be able to reason with Benezia, to break the hold Saren had held over her. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, and all that.

I was tired. Tired of pursuing Saren, tired of always being one step behind. Tired of the deaths I'd been responsible for in trying to avert whatever the hell it was Saren was doing. If I ever get my hands on that son of a-

"Shepard!"

I started, jolted from my brooding by Wrex's impatient grunt. I turned to glare at him, wincing inwardly as Liara stepped past me and knelt beside Benezia, to gently stroke her face.

"What?" I hissed at the krogan.

He merely looked past me, at the large transparent tank holding the rachni queen. I wondered what was going through his head. Millennia ago, the rachni had been on the brink of total galactic domination, only to be stopped by millions of krogan warriors. Warriors who'd laid down their lives in the service of a galaxy that viewed them as little more than war-mongering savages. Warriors who, when they had started expanding their territory too far, had been 'rewarded' for their efforts against the rachni with the Genophage, a genetic mutation passed down through every krogan generation since, rendering them almost completely unable to reproduce. In essence, the krogan was a dying race. And now, here was perhaps the last surviving example of everything they had fought against, and for what, in the end?

"You gonna stand there over the asari bitch all day or you gonna do something about that damn rachni?" he said, his words as blunt and direct as a sledgehammer to the forehead. Liara's shoulders hitched up and down as she began to cry anew.

"God _damn _it, Wrex!" I said into his face, standing up on my toes to do so. "Show some compassion!"

"Huh, the same compassion Benezia would feel for you if it were _you_ were the one lying dead? I don't think so," he replied, red eyes steadily holding my gaze. I slumped back on my heels and ran a hand through my hair, matted to my skull with sweat.

"We came here to do a job, so let's finish it so we can get out of here," the krogan merc insisted.

My eyes stung as tears of frustration threatened. _You are not going to cry in front of him_. With quick, angry gestures, I wiped the tears from my eyes. _You can collapse later, in private, if you really have to. But for now, do your job_.

"Fine," I said, and turned back to the tank. Turned back to dead mother and grieving daughter. By now, Liara had more or less gotten herself back under control and didn't even seem to notice her mother's blood staining her hardsuit. I placed a hand on her arm, trying to convey some peace of mind to her. She looked up at me and smiled slightly before walking away.

"I need some time away from the immediate vicinity, to collect my thoughts and centre myself," she said quietly. I nodded and listened as her soft footsteps faded away.

As I walked the few steps that separated me from the rachni queen in her tank, I debated with myself what to do. Now that the shooting had stopped, I noticed what appeared to be large high-pressure jets mounted inside the tank, connected to tanks filled, if the warning labels on them were to be believed, with a powerful acid. Clearly, Saren didn't believe in leaving things to chance and wanted a way to take the queen out, if she proved a threat. As much as I hated the turian Spectre and as much as I would love to press the barrel of my shotgun to his forehead and pull the trigger, he had a point. How many of the queen's brood had we fought on the way up here? How many people had died when containment was lost and the bugs got out?

A line from an old science fiction novel, Starship Troopers, suddenly popped into my mind, _Bugs, Mister Rico! Zillions of 'em! I'm a'burning 'em down!_The burst of harsh laughter that escaped my lips at that point surprised even Wrex, I think.

The moment passed and I stood before the tank, hand pressed to the cool glass and leaned in to get a closer look at the massive alien. From behind me, I heard Wrex's impatient mutterings.

As I stared in at the queen, wondering whether I truly had it in me to essentially murder her species, I heard the sounds of unsteady movement and turned to see one of Benezia's commandos, quite dead, rise to her feet and stagger towards me, towards the queen. Backing away from the asari as she staggered towards me, I swept up my sidearm and drew down on her.

Ignoring me, the commando stopped before the tank and turned with jerky motions to face me. It almost looked as though she were less a being of flesh and blood and more a puppet whose strings were being worked by an uncaring puppeteer. Turns out, that wasn't far from the truth.

Inside her glass-walled prison, the queen stirred, and began to speak through the asari. The asari's eyes rolled back and forth in their sockets as the queen spoke to me.

"This one. Serves as our voice. We cannot sing. Not in these low spaces. Your musics are colourless."

"This is gonna be a fun conversation," Wrex put in.

"What _are you?" _I demanded, glancing from the shuddering form of the dead asari, to the queen inside her tank, to the controls for the acid jets.

"We are Rachni."

The longer I listened to the queen's words, as they were uttered by the dead asari commando, the more enraged I felt. After what the rachni had done to the galaxy, this _thing _expected me to believe that she could be trusted not to start the same shit all over again? I glanced sidelong at Wrex; the krogan merely stood silently beside me, red eyes gazing into the tank. After all the sacrifices his people had made trying to contain the rachni, and after being neutered by an ungrateful galaxy during the Krogan Rebellions, I couldn't bring myself to cancel those sacrifices out. I couldn't, _wouldn't _allow this alien to live while Wrex's people were condemned to die a slow, ignominious death.

Turning away from the tank, I made sure Liara was still out of sight. I wouldn't subject her to this, not after she had to watch her mother die. Turning back to the queen, I shoved the dead asari aside, the corpse falling limply to the floor, and placed my right hand on the control that would activate the acid jets.

"This time, stay dead," I muttered and pressed the button.


	2. Wrex and The Genophage Cure

2. Wrex and the Genophage Cure

Author's Note: I feel some explanation may be required with this one. I've always felt that, in the game, there should have been at least the option given to the player to secure the research on the Genophage cure, even if the base had to be destroyed. Such thoughts inspired this.

Virmire reminded Shepard of Eden Prime, in some ways. Both worlds were lush, green and full of native lifeforms oblivious to the fact that the fate of the galactic community would likely be decided here, one way or the other.

Both worlds had been touched by Saren and the geth. Whereas Eden Prime would likely recover in time, Virmire probably wouldn't. Not if the salarian strike teams had their way. The bomb Captain Kirrahe was planning to detonate, fashioned form a ship's drive core, would likely destroy Virmire's fragile eco-system or, at the very least, cause damage that would take decades if not centuries to repair.

On the other hand, Shepard mused as she listened to Kirrahe's plan, not detonating the bomb would probably cause greater harm to the rest of the galaxy. _Talk about being forced to choose between two evils,_ Shepard thought.

Of course, it wasn't as straight forward as simply bombing Saren's research installation back into the neolithic. There was also the matter of the Genophage cure to consider. Researchers working at the behest of the rogue Spectre had found a way to breed large numbers of krogan warriors. Warriors who would then join Saren's geth army. If successful, Saren, with the combined weight of geth and krogan behind him, would be almost unstoppable. Hence Kirrahe wanting to destroy the research installation and the Genophage cure. Which, on the face of it, would make perfect sense. If you weren't a krogan.

Wrex stood on the shore, the blue-green seawater lapping at his feet as the tides flowed in and out. The blasts of his shotgun echoed as he fired into the water, angered and frustrated almost beyond measure. Shepard's gaze followed the trail of deep footprints left by Wrex when he'd stormed away from her and the salarian captain.

"Is he going to be a problem?" Kirrahe inquired, "We have enough to deal with without having to worry about angry krogan."

"Can you really blame him?" Shepard replied, crossing her arms over her chest. "Try to see the situation from his side: his people are slowly dying from a genetic mutation that _your _people developed. Now he's found the means to cure that mutation, ensure the survival of his species and you want to destroy it?" Shepard inclined her head towards Wrex, standing on the beach and blasting the ocean with his shotgun. With each shot, water sprayed up and was whipped away by the breeze. "I think he's being quite restrained, to be perfectly honest."

Holding the salarian's unblinking gaze, Shepard continued, "If I were him, I'd probably have just shot you on general principle. No offense."

For several seconds Kirrahe said nothing. Then his large eyes slowly blinked and he replied, "None taken, Commander."

Turning to Williams and Alenko, Shepard said, "Wait here. I'll try to talk him down."  
Williams removed the assault rifle from the hardpoint on the back of her armour and held it against her chest. "If he tries anything stupid, I'll put him down, Ma'am."

Shepard eyed Williams carefully, "I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, Chief." Williams nodded in understanding. She didn't lower the weapon though. Shepard walked towards Wrex, the wet sand firm under her boots. As she approached, another gunshot rang out. Wrex turned to face Shepard as the human stopped several feet away. He lowered the shotgun but didn't collapse it.

"This isn't right, Shepard," Wrex rumbled.

"I understand how you feel-" Shepard began but was cut off by Wrex.

"No! You _don't_ understand. My people are _dying_, Shepard. Saren has the means to save us and _you_," he gestured with the shotgun in Shepard's direction, "Want to destroy it."

Behind her, Shepard was aware of Williams shouldering her rifle and sighting in on Wrex. Without looking around, the Spectre raised a single closed fist to shoulder height, signalling the Gunnery Chief to hold.

"These krogan Saren's trying to breed aren't your people anymore, Wrex. They'll be slaves to Saren's will. Is that what you really want for them?"

Lowering the weapon again, Wrex replied in a low voice, "What I _want_ is for my people to survive. If our positions were reversed, if it were _humans_ on the brink of extinction, would you allow this to happen?"

"No," Shepard replied after a few moments, "I wouldn't."

"Then why are we even having this conversation?" the krogan answered, sounding dismayed.

"Saren and the geth are bad enough. Saren with the geth and an army of krogan would be damn near impossible to beat," Shepard said.

Wrex shrugged his massive shoulders, "So? I like a challenge."

Shepard smiled despite herself then shook her head. "I'm sorry, Wrex but we can't allow Saren to-" her words cut off as Wrex swung the shotgun up, pointing it at her head. Reflexively, Shepard swept her own riotgun into play, realising as she did so that, if he chose, Wrex could easily have gunned her down first. Human and krogan faced each other across a distance that felt like lightyears, rather than feet.

"There _is_a way around this. One that doesn't involve one of us blowing the other's brains out, you know," Shepard said quietly. The Commander swallowed; her was mouth dry and her heart was beating too quickly in her chest.

"What are you suggesting?" Wrex asked, lowering his weapon fractionally. Shepard relaxed slightly, removed her left hand from her shotgun's barrel, and raised it palm outward. Wrex nodded and they both put away their weapons.

"We need to destroy the installation, there's no way around that," Shepard began. Wrex's eyes narrowed. "But Kirahee said nothing about destroying the _research_."

Wrex's eyes widened as the implications of what Shepard was suggesting dawned on him. "Are you really willing to risk the wrath of the Council by securing Saren's research?"

"I ask myself, what has the Council done for any of us lately?" Shepard replied. "If it were one of _their_ race facing extinction, they'd do the same thing. Like you said."

Wrex nodded and as he and Shepard returned to the salarian encampment, he replied, "Shepard, I like the way you think."

Back at the encampment, Kirrahe looked from human to krogan and asked the Commander, "Did you manage to convince him?"  
Shepard smiled and replied, "We came to an understanding."


	3. Aftermath

3. Aftermath

A/N: Partially inspired by the fanfic Guilt by Nameless227, I wanted to come up with a reason as to why a female Shepard would rescue Ash instead of Kaidan...and not for the obvious reason.

_Your halo slipping down  
Your halo slipping down  
To choke you now  
_A Perfect Circle, The Noose

Thirty-six hours after the horrific events on Virmire, the _Normandy _was en route to the Citadel to warn the Council of the impending threat of the Reapers. _Not that the arrogant fools will listen to us_, Shepard thought angrily, as she slammed a right hook into the punching bag. She was alone in the frigate's garage, having issued terse orders to everybody to get out. Williams, looking emotionally over-wrought, had been the last to leave. Shepard merely eyed her until she left; then unpacked the punching bag and secured it to the floor and ceiling of the garage, to prevent it moving back and forth as she laid into it.

Lieutenant Alenko, Kaidan was dead and a pall had fallen over the entirety of the ship. Even Wrex seemed taken slightly aback by the recent turn of events. As Shepard's feet danced around the bag, as though circling an opponent and her fists landed jabs and uppercuts, her mind was constantly picking apart every decision she'd made on Virmire, questioning every order she'd issued. In her heart, she knew there had to have been some way to bring back both Williams and Alenko alive.

If she only she'd had more time.

If only the geth hadn't been so numerous.

If only Saren had died at birth.

If only, if only...

"God damn you, Shepard," she muttered, breath coming in harsh gasps as she worked the bag. Beads of perspiration slid down her nose and fell to the floor. "Stop trying to blame everybody else. _You're _the one who screwed up. When Kirrahe asked for a volunteer, _you_ should have stepped up."

The Spectre continued to pound away at the bag, unaware of the tears sliding down her cheeks.

Inside the boxing gloves, her hands, wrapped with strapping tape ached dully. Shepard relished the pain, craved it. _It's the least you deserve, you screwed up bitch. Allowing your unit to be separated, you as good as signed Kaidan's death warrant. Murderer. Coward. It should have been you._

In the _Normandy's _mess, Ashley picked distractedly at her food. She'd never felt less like eating in her life but she hoped that, on some level, carrying out such mundane actions as having lunch would stabilise the storm of conflicting emotions inside her. She felt glad to alive. She felt guilt at being alive. She felt relieved that the Skipper had rescued her and the salarians at the AA tower. She _hated_ the Skipper for saving her and leaving the LT to die.

_It should have been me that was left. I never should have made it off Eden Prime. I was supposed to die fighting to the end, restore pride to the Williams name. Shepard stole that from me! Why did she do it? Why come for me and not the LT? Couldn't she realise how that poor sweet man felt about her? Did she even care?_

Suddenly consumed with rage, Williams flung her tray against the bulkhead, startling the nearby crew. Wordlessly, the Gunnery Chief shoved herself away from the table and strode, fists clenched, to the elevator. Pressly opened his mouth to say something then closed it as he saw Williams' dark brown eyes, brimming with tears. What could he say? He had no words. None at all.

Shepard's arms felt tired and leaden. Still she pushed herself, punished herself. Shepard continued slugging the bag, picturing the face of the turian Spectre. Picturing her own face. She winced as something in her right hand popped, then with gritted teeth, slammed her fist into the bag yet again. Gasping harshly, Shepard didn't hear the elevator open. Didn't hear the dull echo of boot heels on the decking until they right behind her. Turning around wearily, Shepard saw without much surprise that her visitor was the Gunnery Chief.

The Spectre wiped sweat from her forehead with her arm then used her teeth to rip open the cuff of the boxing glove. Wordlessly she stripped the gloves off, dumping them to the deck. Her hands ached and Shepard was glad. _The least you deserve._

"What is it, Williams?" Shepard asked, her anger and self-recrimination making her words come out harder than she intended. Part of her didn't give a damn.

"Why?" Ashley asked, voice cracking. "Why save _me?_"

"Williams...Ash, I...can't explain right now. Just...I can't," the Skipper mumbled, tears mingling with the sweat on her face. Her blue eyes, normally conveying strength and certainty, now conveyed helplessness and fear.

"Damn you, Shepard, I deserve an explanation! Why did you come for me and not the LT? He was the superior officer, he was the biotic and offered more to the unit. _I'm_ just a grunt! It should have been me, Shepard. I should have died. I should have died on Eden Prime."

Almost before she was aware she was doing it, Shepard had seized the younger woman by the shoulders and was screaming into her face, "Don't you dare say that! Not ever!" Shepard gave the Gunnery Chief a brisk shake, then collapsed to the deck, sobbing helplessly. Stunned, at first Williams could only watch as the Skipper, normally so strong and capable curled herself into a ball and cried. Tentatively, Williams knelt beside Shepard, pulled the other woman's head into her lap and stroked her hair. They stayed like that for a long time.

Eventually, feeling as though she'd been hollowed out and had nothing left inside, Shepard climbed to her feet, pulling Williams up with her. In a dull voice, Shepard finally asked, "You want to know why I came for you, in the end?"

Williams nodded mutely.

Sighing wearily, the Commander stared off into the distance and replied, "You're the sister I never had, Ash. That's why I chose you. I condemned a good man to death because I needed somebody I could share girl talk with."

"I...don't know what to say," Williams said, shocked by Shepard's admission.

"The way you speak of your family, your sisters...I felt jealous, Ash. God damn me to hell but I envied you that. And part of me saw in you the kind of person I would have loved to have close to me, as a child." Throat working as she fought back more sobs, Shepard turned to look at Ashley Williams, the sister she'd never had.

Wordlessly, the two women left the garage.

The End.


End file.
